Start the Countdown at 5

 I remember when moving to The Gambia was going to happen "next year", "a few months from now", and "in May," but since I got back from Mexico City on May 6th, "next week" has been the prevailing term. It's not that I feel any sort of dread about the experience, though I am a little scared, it's more like a mixed drink where the two elements aren't well combined - but instead of spirits, it tends to be strong emotions that hit me when I don't expect them. The principal two ingredients in the cocktail are anxiety and excitement, with a flourish of insecurity and a splash of reckless abandon. 

The Peace Corps (PC) pre-service process has been frustrating at times, due to things like the 17 required immunizations making my stomach turn for all of November and December, the unexpected 5 month delay when I was 2 weeks from shipping out in January, or trying to get any information about what to expect from PC workers. I've come to understand why each of these tribulations existed, but, as anyone who I've talked about with PC stuff can tell you, the lack of information was the most striking thing. For the last 8 months, I've only really known my job description; it's odd, but I began getting comfortable with having so little knowledge. However, the veil is going to drop in less than a week, bringing back a sense of anxiety that I had done my best to shelve to the side as I finished up my work with LAEDC, enjoyed family time, and went on vacations in 2023.

The excitement is obvious, and always provides a salve to the anxiety. Each time I have the thought that "I'm moving to The Gambia," a smile creeps across my face. Though the experience is a complete unknown, I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to live in West Africa, serve the people there, and learn a new way of living. I made a promise to myself when I was leaving UCLA that I would explore every part of my studies, and I am proud of myself for following up on that wish regarding international development.

The insecurity comes from a fear that I won't be able to contribute to the government of The Gambia in the ways that they need. The government requested someone to build a harmonized data collection, processing, and analysis system so that they can make informed decisions on matters of food security and agricultural planning. While I've built models and done research to inform policy decisions in LA, I've never done something quite like this, so every once in a while a little part of me jeers that I won't be able to do it. Luckily, that little part tends to get swept up in the torrent of all the things I list to myself that I have done with no experience, and slinks back into whatever pit of my mind from which it emerged.

And ultimately, everything gets trumped by reckless abandon. The best online definition I could find of the term was "unrestrained surrender to impulse or passion, without regard for convention, appearances, good sense, or risk" but my operating definition is "fuck around and find out." I really don't know how this is all going to go, I'll start finding out in 5 days, and I know that no matter what I'm going to make it worthwhile.

Just a note: not really sure what I'm going to use this blog for, but having a forum for these kinds of thoughts was very important when I farmed in the Netherlands in 2017 (http://withheartandsoil.blogspot.com/) so I'm just trying it out again. That time I was very punny and focused on getting through my reading list, this time, I'll be more focused on graduate school research and hopefully a little less emotional, but we'll just see now won't we? Thanks for reading!

Note 2: the picture behind this blog is an old Peace Corps poster they included in the training materials that made me chuckle, here it is in full: